I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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