how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
