Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
