i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
