.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
