umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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