Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
