I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
50% drunk capacity currently
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
