My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
