I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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