I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
