unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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