So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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