Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
