I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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