woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
