Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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