hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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