wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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