Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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