first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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