Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
