thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
