Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
