The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
