I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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