STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
