i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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