maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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