i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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