and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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