Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
