Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize