I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
