Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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