She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
