my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
