census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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