All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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