I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
