beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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