She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
