I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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