I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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