C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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