here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
