How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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