When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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