dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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