you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
