3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Drake has all the answers
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
