Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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