i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
