my phone needs a breathalizer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
whose ass print is on the piano?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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