I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
