Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
