:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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