tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
