and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize