When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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